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In view of the selfishness that permeates the dominant dating culture, how does dating as a social institution manage to function at all? At least a partial answer to this question lies in the fact that, in the world of dating, human worth is a relative commodity. People are not viewed as having intrinsic worth; rather, their worth is related to any one of a number of subjective factors, such as their looks, how popular they are, or how wealthy they are. A person is valued not so much for what is on the “inside” but rather for what is on the “outside” and what he or she has to offer (e.g., the extent to which that person can be used). Based largely on worldly, temporal values people construct, if you will, a social totem pole, in which some are ranked higher than others. Although the ranking itself may be somewhat subjective and the criteria behind it may not even be well defined or explicitly articulated, people nevertheless have a good idea of where they stand, without being told. Those near the bottom of the social totem pole are painfully aware of their position—and feel stuck there—while those at the top enjoy basking in their status.

A rule of dating, which is generally unspoken, is that you look for someone near your level on the social totem pole. For example, rich guys may date pretty girls, and social outcasts find other social outcasts, assuming they find anyone at all. People may be constantly wondering if they are close enough to someone else’s position on the social totem pole to be considered “worthy” of a date (“Am I good enough for that person?”) or alternatively, if they should set their sights higher (“Can I do better?”). We tend to seek out those whom we perceive to be near our level on the social totem pole: People too far below us are beneath our dignity, whereas people too far above us we dare not approach because that would be presumptuous. Our position on the social totem pole represents our worth or value in the social marketplace, which operates as an exchange, rather than to facilitate the gift of love. Thus, people typically fall in love with someone they think matches their own “worth.”

Occasionally it happens that two people at different ends of the social totem pole link up with each other, but the fact that such an occurrence is considered noteworthy underscores the extent to which our thinking is guided by such rankings. The headline “King Marries Pauper!” is surprising—not because the king got married but rather because of who he married. In a sense, dating is a sort of popularity contest in which those who are considered inferior are pushed aside or left out.