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The gap between what we want (a relationship) and what we might get if we are too forthcoming (rejection) tempts us to pass ourselves off as people other than who we really are. We are afraid that, if we show our true selves, we won’t be liked, especially if we’ve been rejected previously for that reason. We are reluctant to be honest and transparent about who we are, since we are afraid that, if the truth about us comes out, any chance for a meaningful relationship might be doomed. 

Thus, dating is typically carried out on a stage in which the participants pretend to be people other than their true selves, to impress the other person and out of fear that if the “real me” comes to light, rejection will follow. This fear of rejection, as well as the role-playing that often accompanies it, leads to anxiety. Sooner or later, of course, the real me will come to light and we will become known, just as we will eventually see through any masks that the other person is wearing. (Fewer couples would have been nervous on their first date had they known then what they subsequently learned about each other.) 

The game of appearances is phoniness that is part of the dating culture. It guarantees that, as long as this game is played, the relationship will be superficial and fail to be as meaningful as it should be. It also ensures that we will still have doubts about our self-worth, since as long as we are not honestly disclosing ourselves, the real me has not been accepted. It stymies our personal growth, since we are pretending to be persons other than ourselves. Indeed, to the extent that the “fake me” is accepted, we are tempted to hide our true selves. We avoid being honest because we are insecure.