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Even when our actions are right, and outwardly we are ladies and gentlemen, inside we are likely preoccupied, not with something we can give but rather with something we want: a significant other, a relationship, or a marriage partner. So we feel tension, because on the outside we are one thing, but on the inside we are something else. In effect, we are shopping around, looking at the “produce” and asking ourselves:  “Does it measure up to what I want?”  Little or no time is spent reflecting on the questions:  “What can I offer my friends and the world?” and “How can I be a more loving person?”

Essentially, the dominant dating culture offers us a consumer-based approach to relationships. We shop around for relationships in what has been called a “meet market,” with one eye on what we want and the other on what we think we can realistically get: A “good match” between two people is thought to take place when their relative worth on the social totem pole matches and each one gets something desired. As with any consumer item, however, the relationship (and thus the person) is considered disposable. All of this occurs because of an environment in which friendship is devalued and selfishness is dominant. Accordingly, we are likely to approach the subject of dating with unease. Is this really the best way to form and nurture relationships?